


Life and hope

by DarceyBell



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys In Love, Eventual Gallavich, Hurt Mickey Milkovich, Jealous Ian Gallagher, M/M, Made For Each Other, Sad Ian Gallagher
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-14 09:15:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9173113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarceyBell/pseuds/DarceyBell
Summary: Ian is convinced that leaving Mickey at the border was the right thing to do for both of them. That is until he hears some information that changes everything.





	1. Chapter 1

Ian stared down at his glass of orange juice while the party went on around him. The mad Gallagher New years party was in full swing but Ian could not bring himself to enjoy it. It had been a whole year and a half since he had last seen Mickey on the Mexican border. He had felt at the time that going back home, even though he had in effect abandoning Mickey yet again, it had been the right thing to do for both of them. Ian had been so caught up with Mickey being in his life again - mickey who loved him with everything, who would do anything for him and had done so. But when the time came he couldn’t turn his back on his life. The life he had fought so hard to get back on track. The time on the road, on the run to Mexico had been the best and the worst time. Caught up in the whole thing, but he had already felt he was spiralling, Mickey had no plan about how they were going to live, where they were going to go, the only thought had been to get safely over the border. He had hoped to hear from Mickey, just a postcard or something, anything. But for well over a year it had been radio silence. Ian only had that memory in his head of Mickey crossing the border. He had felt so elated, so happy in that split second, Mickey had made it, he was safe, that was all that mattered. Giving mickey the money felt right, not going with him had felt right. But the sense of loss and the loneliness had still not left him, the look that Mickey give him at the end, the devastated, broken hearted look. The look that said Mickey had been expecting Ian not to come all along.

Trevor slumped over Ian, breaking him out of his thoughts. “ come and dance” he shouted over the sound of some random 90’s pop that Ian supposed Debbie had put on. Sure enough Debbie was there swaying not exactly in time to the beat with Fiona shimmying along next to her. “ No thanks” Ian sighed. “ Not really feeling it to be honest”. Trevor looked at him in concern. “you ok?” he asked. Trevor was still around, true he had gone off the wall angry at Ian effectively going missing for days with no word, but had soon forgiven him. Being bipolar and Monica dying had that effect. Still, Ian never shook the feeling that Trevor understood more than he let on, but hadn’t wanted to push it. He’d expected Trevor to break up with him but he hadn’t. Ian wasn’t sure if that was ok or not. Trying to get back to normality, trying to get on with his life was the plan, and if Trevor wanted to continue has if nothing had happened then so would Ian. “ I think I’ll just go to bed, I’m doing a double shift tomorrow”. With that Ian heaved himself out the wooden stool he’d perched on sometime ago. “ I’m ok, you enjoy, seriously I’m just tired” Ian said as Trevor looked at him sceptically. Trevor seemed to contemplate questioning Ian some more, but to Ian’s relief, shrugged and said “ ok, well I have to head off in a bit anyway, there’s a few people I want to check in on tonight. Make sure they’re settled in. “Well at least we saw in midnight” Ian said giving Trevor a small grin and kissing him quickly started up the stairs.

.......

Ian stared at his locker in stupor, it had been a hard shift, drunken idiots mostly, still celebrating the new year, a week on. Seriously, there were times when Ian wanted to quit. To scream at the stupid idiots around him. He had thought being an EMT would be rewarding, and it was most of time.. just not after a group of students had decided that after several bottles of vodka and tequila shots, they would start up a random fight with the next group that walked past.

“ You stink” Sue commented as she opened her locker. Oh yeah. That would be the vomit. Ian had tried his best with some damp paper towels but it hadn’t really helped. “ You were nearly in there” she said. Ian shrugged, “ She wasn’t exactly my type, plus throwing up on me didn’t really help her cause. Sue laughed “ Well at least you got hit on! What do I get? Some fucker trying to punch me coz she thought I was the one who punched her first! Anyway, go home and get some sleep, we’re doing it all again tomorrow".

Ian grabbed his bag and rummaged through it for a change of clothes. He quickly changed and although the scent of vomit and sweat still lingered, he felt better. He slammed the locker closed, shrugged his rucksack over his shoulder and left. The icy cold breeze hit him in the face, clearing his thoughts somewhat. The sidewalk slippery with ice under his boots. He headed in the direction of the L . But he was pulled up short. Mandy was standing there, dressed as usual in a short black skirt, strappy white top and heels, with her handbag slung carelessly over the crook of her arm. A worn tan leather satchel, the strap around her shoulder. That was odd, he’d never seen her with something like that before, a large designer hand bag that one of her sugar daddy’s had bought her yes, but not something like that. She was shivering slightly, although Ian was astonished she wasn’t already hypothermic.

She looked different somehow. A weird look on her face, studying him as if this was the first time she was really seeing him. Ian laughed nervously. He had never told Mandy anything about the trip with Mickey. He didn’t even tell her that he had seen Mickey. Hadn’t wanted to explain why abandoning her brother had been the right thing to do. Mandy had never mentioned Mickey. And Ian, not wanting to punched in the face, didn’t push it. Mandy hadn’t seemed bothered by Mickey’s escape. One day, back in the summer when Ian couldn’t hold it any longer, he had asked her if she had heard anything. She had shrugged and said he was probably sunning himself on some beach somewhere, fuck knows where. And that was that. But that look she give him, standing there, with the bitterly cold wind and her breath misting in front of her, making her look like a fire breathing dragon, Ian wondered if she’d found out somehow.

“I thought you’d want to know” she said, “ Know what?” Ian asked. “Mickey’s dead” she replied matter of factly. Ian stared at her, sure he had heard her wrong. “ What? ….wwwhat do you mean? He stammered, heart pounding . “ You heard me, I’ve just come from the precinct, they’ve had positive proof “. Ian’s heart dropped to his stomach, his head was spinning. “No, no that’s not right, that can’t be right. He’s in Mexico having the time of his life. That’s, that’s what it was all for, not this!”. Ian realised he was shouting now, had stepped close enough to her to grab hold of her bony shoulders, to shake her. She pushed him off. “ So you knew then? I did wonder. Mickey would never have left Chicago without seeing you one last time. Me, Iggy yeah but not you”. Tears were filling his eyes, his eyesight blurring until he felt the tears overflow and run down his cheeks. For one absurd moment, he thought they would freeze in the cold air and stay there, a perpetual reminder of this moment. Mandy looked at him. Her face still unreadable. “Let’s go somewhere warm” she suggested and started off without a backward glance.


	2. Chapter 2

Ian started after her with a jolt. He had been standing there in that one spot for what felt like an age. Grief consumed him. The thought of never seeing Mickey again. In the year that passed, Ian would day dream that one day he would take a trip to Mexico, they would see each other again. Mickey would show him the beach and they would lie there in the sand, staring up at the sky. He imagined the job Mickey would have, a bartender job Ian had decided on a whim, Ian had no idea why but sometimes he would image Mickey in a beach bar mixing cocktails, spinning them around in one of his Hawaiian shirts. It was such an absurd image.  Ian used to laugh every time. Both Fiona and Liam had given him some odd looks when that image popped into his head. He knew deep down that was highly unlikely, this was Mickey after all, but he didn’t want to taint the dream with drug cartels or gun runs.

Suddenly, there were too many people on the sidewalk, too much noise. People were bumping into him, or he was bumping into them, he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know what was happening, he just wanted it to be all a sick joke, just something, anything, but not this. When they had said goodbye on the border, Ian had known that it wasn’t really good bye.  That when things settled down, they would see each other again. Mickey had kept saying on the road that it was just until things settle down, till the heat was off.

Mandy had suddenly swerved left into a bar. Ian didn’t take any notice of the name above the door, but when he entered, it looked like the normal local dive bar trying to go up market. It had clearly been refurbished recently and everything had a shiny new look about it. The clientele clearly had not read the memo and looked just like the locals in the Alibi. Apart from one or two hippies in the corner, trying to look cool but still looking round nervously.  Mandy had already ordered drinks at the bar and had sat down in the time it took Ian to get his bearings. Mandy huffed “ Sit down then, or are you really not bothered about it all?”.  Ian collapsed down in the chair opposite. The table sticky between them. “I do want to know”, Ian whispered. “ I just….” He tailed off. Mandy was looking at him with a pitying look on her face. Ian didn’t know if that was better than the obtuse look she kept giving him earlier or not. His head started throbbing. 

“ So the fucking cops rang me up and said that mickey had been killed in a fucking shoot out with some rival drug gang. They will no longer be investigating further as this happened outside their jurisdiction, case closed.. She snorted, “As if those fuckers would have bothered investigating properly if this happened here”. She paused, then continued, “They asked me down to the precinct so that they could sign off on notifying the family or some bullshit. Personally, I think they just wanted to rub it in. That fucking investigating officer.. what’s his name? Morris? ….Whatever the fuck, couldn’t stop smirking the entire fucking time.

“ There’s got to be a mistake. How do they know? This happened in Mexico right, so how can they be so sure?”.  Ian knew he was grasping at straws, they wouldn’t be closing the case if they didn’t know for sure that Mickey was….. he couldn’t finish the thought. Bile rose up in his throat and he grabbed the beer Mandy had got him. Gulping it down without a thought, grateful that he could look away from Mandy’s face again.

Mandy sat back in her chair and sighed as she looked around. “ There’s a positive identification from an undercover narcotics cop. The bastard took fingerprints and photos”. She covered her face with her hands and paused. Ian realised he was holding his breath waiting for her to continue. “ There’s no body apparently, it was burnt by the rival drugs gang.”  Ian just stared at the table in front of him. Someone at some point, obviously done quite recently, had drawn a little sun with a smiley face. It was so innocuous, a bright little ray of sunshine carved into the grain of wood. It stared up at him as if taunting him. He would never see Mickey’s smile again. The real one, the one he would never show anybody else but Ian. The one that lit up his face and made everything better. Ian heaved in great gulps of air, he felt everything start to over whelm him, he tried to blink back the tears again. He knew that if he started now he would never stop.

Mandy was looking at him again, with a calculating expression on her face. “ There’s something else. He left something for you. It turned up at my door with a note this morning”. She handed him the worn satchel she hadn’t taken her hand off since arriving at the bar. Ian took it, more out of reflex than anything. It was frayed around the edges, the leather patchy in places. “ Don’t open it here” Mandy said quietly. Ian had to lean forward to hear her.  He gaped at her “Wwwhat this? I’ve never seen this thing before.. I don’t understand.”  Mandy stood up to leave. As she passed him to the door she bent over, her mouth close to Ian’s ear, her long hair tickling the side of his face making him shiver. “Apparently Mickey pays his debts…who knew huh. He owes you nothing now” and with that parting shot, strode out of the bar as quickly as only Mandy could in those skyscraper heels. 

Ian blinked, looking from the satchel, to the seat Mandy had been sitting in, to the door of the bar. What the hell? Mandy had been so cold, so unfeeling. Did she know about what had happened with him and Mickey? Was that why she was so unemotional towards him?.. but that didn’t make any sense. And Mickey was still her brother, no matter what. She loved him. She would never be this detached. Unless she’d guessed, or Mickey had been in touch before it all went to shit in Mexico and Mandy knew what had happened, knew that Ian had gone with him, promised him everything and then walked away. Did she blame Ian?  A hundred and more thoughts were whirling around Ian’s head. He looked around him. No one was paying him any attention. He picked up the satchel from his lap. With shaking hands, he risked opening the bag up a fraction to peep inside.

Cash, bundles of it. Ian looked at it bewildered, his mind at a loss for a second. Then it came to him, what Mandy had said before leaving. But this more than covered the savings Ian had given Mickey. And anyway, Ian had never expected to see any of it back. It had been a gift, the one thing he could give Mickey….to help him.                                                                                                             

………

Mandy breathed out in one big rush. She was sitting on a large plush king sized bed with black silk sheets and masses of pillows. A bit tacky but money doesn’t buy you taste she supposed. Waiting for one of her sugar daddies to come out from the en suite, she thought about Ian, about what he must be feeling at that moment. Ever since the bipolar had kicked in, Ian had been hard to read, a blank look or eyes far away, looking through you, not at you. But in that moment, in fact in that entire time she had been with him, she could read every thought going through his head. It was devastating to watch. No matter what, Ian was her best friend. She felt sick, knowing she had done that. No matter what Mickey had said in that note, Ian had given a shit, had loved him. She thought back to the moment she first read the letter, feeling that red hot anger towards Ian, realising how much it had taken it out of her brother to have finally told her what had happened. It made her want to scream at Ian, shout at him, ask him why he done that to Mickey. Admittedly, Mickey may not have filled her in completely, but she could guess the rest though, she wasn’t stupid. If it was true Ian had pretended to go with him, pretended to love him like it was all one big joke, then threw money in Mickey’s face as if that was all Mickey gave a shit about. Then yeah, she could see why Mickey didn’t want Ian to know, that he thought Ian really wouldn’t give a shit. Ian had quite often, if not throughout the time Mickey had been in prison, appeared not to give a shit. But after seeing the effect of what she had said, how she had acted toward him at the bar, she still couldn’t shake that small feeling at the back of her mind that Ian, no matter what he had done to cause Mickey so much pain, deserved to know the truth. Or at least some part of it.

But this was Mickey’s business, no matter how much she loved her best friend, her brother came first, this time at least. Ian had really hurt her brother, caused him real pain. Plus him knowing could put Mickey at risk, what if Ian told someone like Lip who, while in a drunken stupor or just out of spite, could tell someone else or if fucking Frank overheard a conversation then repeated it….

She took the note out of her hand bag. It was a couple of scraps of paper, Mickey’s handwriting more of a scrawl than usual, and that was saying something. It looked rushed, as if Mickey had remembered to write it last thing, but once he started he couldn’t stop.  There was one thing to be said about Mickey, he may be a whiz with math but he couldn’t spell for shit. Mandy smirked down at it, crumpled in her hand. She stared at it for a moment, the smirk falling from her face. She hoped it had gone to plan, but that was the thing about faking your own death, your family didn’t really know if it had worked, that you were still alive, until they saw you again, living and breathing standing in front of them. That is, if the family were in on it at all. She rummaged in her hand bag again, bringing out a old cheap nokia cell. She checked the battery, still 60%. Maybe she should charge it, just in case the battery drained without her noticing, make sure Mickey could get through. She didn’t know when, just soon was all he had said in the note. She unpacked the charger that had come with it, and plugged in the burner cell.  She sighed. Think positive, she thought, the cops had told her exactly what mickey had said they would say, there had been nothing unexpected. That meant he must be ok. She repeated that in her head several times over until she felt a bit better.  She was happy for him though. He had not only got out but now appeared to have gained a new life that wouldn’t drag him back down to the gutter.  After everything, Terry , Ian, the baby….he deserved to have a new life, a better one. How long it would last Mandy didn’t know. He was a Milkovich through and through, changing a name on a passport didn’t change who you were. Fucked for life, that’s what Mickey always said. Maybe this would be different now.


	3. Chapter 3

Ian had stayed in that bar for what felt like an eternity. He didn’t know what to do or what to think. He was numb. When he got home he hadn’t said a word to anybody, just got into bed and pulled the sheets around him, closed his eyes and shut out the world. Fiona had tried talking to him but he felt like she was speaking underwater. Trevor had eventually turned up, but Ian wouldn’t say a word, no matter what Trevor said.

The funk had lasted four days, it would have been longer if Fiona hadn’t managed to get hold of Mandy. She came into his room and sat down on the bed. Ian didn’t acknowledge her, he just pulled a pillow close and imagined Mickey’s scent on it. He nearly let out a sob when he realised all he could smell was unwashed bedding. For a while they both just stayed there, both in their own little worlds. Eventually Mandy broke the heavy silence. “I’m sorry” she whispered. “I’m so sorry…. I had work, I had to go out of town for a bit, I’m sorry…. Ian please, they’re talking about sectioning you again….”. Ian tried to ignore her, but he swiftly realised that she was his only real link with Mickey apart from Yev. And Ian hadn’t seen Yev for months. “Ian…. please, this has to stop, Mickey wouldn’t want……”. She broke off abruptly. Ian sat up so suddenly she jumped slightly. “Mickey wouldn’t want what?! He wouldn’t want what exactly?!” Ian was at once angry and pleading. “What wouldn’t he fucking want… me not to leave him to go through all of that on his own? Me not to throw away the only good thing that has happened to me?, to throw away the only person in the world who loved me for me no matter what?!” Ian was openly crying now. Huge racking sobs, his body heaving trying to get oxygen into his lungs. Mandy threw her arms around him and held him so tightly it hurt. It reminded him of the hug he and Mickey had shared, the night he had been sectioned. It was the only clear memory he had of that night. The way Mickey had held him, as if they were the only two people in the whole world. He wished they had never let go. He realised Mandy was speaking to him softly “It’s alright, it’s going to be alright.” Like a mother would comfort a child. He knew then that it wouldn’t be alright. He would never get a chance to see Mickey again.

  
They both stayed liked that for a while, just clinging to one another. Slowly, Ian’s crying stopped, his face blotchy and swollen. “We need to start planning” he said sniffing. Mandy wiped at her eyes, her brow furrowing slightly. “What you mean?” she asked. “The wake, we should start planning the wake.” Ian started to get up, looking for a pen and paper. “Ian no, there won’t be a wake, there’s no body.” She was speaking to him like a child again. “I know there’s no body, I just thought… don’t you want to give him a send-off?” Ian was confused. It wasn’t like the Milkovich’s not to have a party, whether it was to celebrate or just to drown their sorrows. Mandy looked at him. “Yyyeah I do, it’s just umm…” she paused. “Iggy’s not here and Mickey wouldn’t want Iggy not to be there. It’ll just be me, you and Uncle Ronnie otherwise”. Ian shook his head “Fiona, Carl and Debbie would want to go, and Vee and Kev. The regulars at the Alibi… there’d be loads of people”. “Ian, I don’t think Vee and Kev would go considering the situation” Ian looked confusedly at her. “Svetlana and the Albi?!” She said, a touch exasperated. The old Mandy coming through. “And like I said, he’d want Iggy to be there and he got picked up remember, for possession? he won’t be out for another three months or so….” She trailed off. “Oh. Ok I guess it’ll have to wait a bit then.” Ian said, his voice quiet. Mandy sighed “Yeah, later, when things have settled”. Ian bent his head and started pulling at a loose thread on his bed sheet. “You stink by the way, has anybody told you?” She nudged him, a small smile on her face. “Come on, you’ll feel a bit better when you’ve had a shower”.  
…..

Three months on, Ian was back staring at his locker on a late shift. Fiona had told him not to go back to work too early and he had been signed off for a few weeks, but all too soon he had gone back to work, but what else was he supposed to do? He still wouldn’t talk to anyone about what had happened. Only Mandy, and she had fucked off back to her clients soon enough. He sighed, another day, another dollar. Jesus what was he doing? He picked up his cellphone, there were several missed messages. A few from Fiona, a voice mail just asking how he was. Ian had a suspicion that Mandy had filled her in. She hadn’t told Trevor though, that Ian was sure. Trevor had not even bothered to check on Ian after those first few days in bed. When Ian had managed to get out of bed, it had taken another week to feel up to leaving the house. They had eventually met up for lunch but Trevor had been too preoccupied by some girl who wouldn’t stay in any of the safe places Trevor had found. In the end, Ian had not even said a word. When Trevor got up, kissed him perfunctorily and left to try and sort the problem out, Ian hadn’t even noticed that Trevor had had a phone call calling him away. He had only surfaced when he felt dry lips on his, which were gone the moment Ian had registered them. He had stared at the empty spot, trying not to think of Mickey’s kisses. The way it had taken an age to break down that barrier to get Mickey to kiss him. But after that, Mickey would kiss him like the world was ending. It had taken a moment to realize that he was about to lose his shit again and he had managed to stave it off, at least for that moment. Mandy had been right, Mickey wouldn’t have wanted to see him like that. Although Ian couldn’t help the horrible thought that maybe Mickey wouldn’t have given a shit about what Ian felt. After all, Mickey would have had plenty of reasons to hate him.

Now in work, and taking a breath, trying to clear his mind, Ian looked at his phone again. He saw Trevor had called. He hesitated, in two minds whether to call him back again, when the phone buzzed into life. Mandy’s voice on the line “Hey it’s me. Just wanted to check in. How’s things, how was work?” She had been doing that a lot. Just checking in. Even when she was with a client, she would pop out for a quick call to Ian. It was odd Ian realised, that it was Mandy checking in with him, asking if he was ok, when really it should have been him supporting Mandy, asking if she was ok. Mind you she was a Milkovich, maybe she wanted to put on an act, to pretend to the world she was ok. Her and Mickey had both done that most of their lives. Well at least she hadn’t disappeared without letting him know she was fucking off somewhere for a week. Ever since it had taken Fiona four days to get hold of her, Mandy always let Ian know where she was going and for how long for. It had helped. Knowing that she would come back, or that he could call her if he needed to talk at all. Not that he did much talking. “ I just wanted to let you know, I’m staying another week.“ She was at a ski resort in Whistler Canada, although she had made pains to point out to Ian before she left, that no-one would ever get her on a pair of skis and had made sure David (or whatever the fuck his real name was) had booked into the Four Season’s luxury resort where Mandy planned to spend most of her time in the heated pool. Ian snorted, “He got you on some skis yet?” Mandy laughed “Fuck off, of course not! Besides it's out of season, so you know, no snow. And anyway, he has meetings apparently. I’m only there to keep him company in the evenings.” Ian frowned, she sounded happy and relaxed. Mandy seemed to sense Ian’s mood and quickly moderated her tone. “I was thinking, maybe you should take a holiday, get out of Chicago for a bit”. “I don’t think I’m up to that yet Mandy” Ian said. “I don’t think I could cope with it, plus Trevor’s really busy….” He trailed off. There was a beat of silence. “I was thinking more of me and you going away, not Trevor.” Mandy answered, a touch acerbic. Oh. “I think you need to go somewhere warm, it doesn’t have to be for long, a couple of days maybe, my treat” Mandy sounded happy again, carefree. “What do you think?” she pressed. “ …. Ian? Did you hear me? I think the line’s going...”. “No, no I heard you, I was just thinking. Ian paused, swallowed audibly and said “Mexico, I want to go to Mexico”.

There was a long heavy pause. “Ian, no I didn’t mean Mexico, I meant somewhere like fucking LA or somewhere, Florida even” Mandy sounded shaky, worried. “I know, it’s just…” Ian started, “I want to see where he… lived, to talk to someone who knew him…. Mandy, I never got a chance to see him like that… I never got to see him struggle with trying to understand the locals. Can you image?! It would have been fucking hilarious to watch him”. Ian smiled slightly, taken with surprise by the strength of this image, by his need to see the Mexico that Mickey had known. Mandy wasn’t happy, he could feel it in the silence. Ian waited anxiously for Mandy’s reply. But she didn’t say anything. Ian quickly tried to fill the silence, “Please Mands… I need to do this”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all those that commented and left kudos -Thank you so much! It means the world to me :)

**Author's Note:**

> This idea has been kicking around in my head for a while and wouldn’t go away. This is my first attempt at fanfiction so please bear with me. All mistakes are my own.


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